MIRIAM THERESE N THE MAGICAL HUG…

When I was younger, it was all about punching the pedal, the road whizzin past, the surge ahead was thrilling..
It was all about the ADRENALIN RUSH…

Much older, as i am now, it is all about the journey, as i let people move ahead and subliming into my own world… i realise that It is all about DOPAMINE n ENDORPHINS now …

The stuff that’s been reverberating in my car in the recent past..
flosstradamus n troiboy
To
Illayaraja’s malai koavil vaasalil
To
Tell me if u want me to.. ft sofia reyes
And the swan song (ost from the movie alita.. )
Holy fu@&, i guess when it comes to music , i get as whorish as possible..

Chasing NORTHERN LIGHTS in norway… why does it have to be in dollars n pounds .. should it not just be the compatible mind …

A classic reason why our kids should not be pursuing medical education … balya snehidan baalu .. nijamavae aurora borealis chase panna scandinavian countries ku poaga … yenaku kanavula inga adhae lights flickering in my cieling….
Machi idhellam padichitu Income Tax la irundhu raid ku vandha naa porupu illa ?

The PRIME ( he never ceases to awe me ) . I had earlier decided to hide up all my admiration towards him and the team, but i feel so pregnant at the end of each day , puking out certain quantity of feel can ease me out i guess..

I ask myself …. why do i revere him so much..

I reason out … if in a six billion populous planet, i follow a different religion, it just feels that my GOD is real… It’s that awesome he is…

Surgical wizadry .. a million can exhibit, but where he wins is his genuine care, concern, respect and connect to all people across all levels. This is a googly that he bowls us all out with…

Peek a boo…

LVAD( left ventricular assist device – almost like an artificial heart) implantation was going on… the device costs about 78 lakhs in indian currency, the package of the surgery can exceed a crore easily.. it’s like attaching a mercedes S class sedan to your heart , so one can imagine the heat n pressure the surgeon will feel while doing this… the PRIME is a shark in this part of the ocean, the procedure had started, it was in a newer but smaller operating theatre, the door was an automatic , opening to everyone who could come close to the sensor.. and even while just assisting him , it was annoying to feel it open n close.. so in the heat of the moment the PRIME lost a bit of his temparament… and chided the tiniest plankton ,when she opened the door… she apologised n shied away..
A bit longer , we had almost finished the surgery and the coast was lookin bright n clear… at the first moment to relax, he looked up and made sure he called her back in and made peace …
That is HIM..
He is the GOD here..
And this is his kingdom..
He shall not be judged here..
Yet he gets out of his throne to embrace all..
Makes effort to protect his people from his own wrath…

Not just him, nor just a single act ..
The team in entirety exudes extreme efficiency and acts of random kindness..

Another senior transplant surgeon (Dr. Bala), sacrificing his sleep , shared his expertise in a global outreach to a government health sector.His promptness to help and exhibition of professionalism even in the events of infrastructural inadequacies, protocol hiccoughs was an honourable Act.

The merry man, our chief anaesthetist .. i sometimes doubt if he is on a constant infusion of happiness potions. To be constantly in a state of happiness, owning up for other peoples inadequacies.. his child like narrations .. he rocks it away.
His armamentarium is a dream team , very intimiditating in their knowledge and they are the best in patient care .( pradee, sharanya, sriram, anoop, shan and hema).

Most lung transplant recipients who were interviewed in an international lung conference ( ILDCON) , said that they could not thank the team enough… and in particular .. they got emotional when they recollected the guidance by our chief pulmonologist .. ( vigilante)
after counselling the patients for a complex surgical procedure , it is a night mare to face the attendants and the patient, in the event of a complicated recovery.. it needs separate moral strength and reserve to keep them up and going.. the best trait of him—- he never abandons ship nor he claims credit to a ship he salvages…

This all seems like a paradise to me.. n i gotta thank suresh boy( pulmo) for being the portal to this dimension..

The possible successor for the PRIME seems to be another PULMO man (Apar)… quick to offer solutions , efficient decision making .. he z gonna arrive some day…

The paed cardio man (Dr.Arul)… makes it look like the party mode is on.., keepin it cool always , senior cardio man (Dr.Ravi).. his inate capability to ferment n feast on academic material is jawdropping..

The three musketeers ( shim,rijo,sijo plus mano) absolute armour they are…

The epicentre of fun is from the twin bros from namma bengaluru(Mahi n Pavan)… both easy going by nature , but very well learned in their field of expertise…

This team treads on a thin wire , guided by science , etiquette and a clear willingness to be the leaders in patient care and specifically in HEART AND LUNG TRANSPLANTATION…. last three months we have been averaging on seven to eight transplants per month, making us one of the leading team in INDIA and in rest of ASIA..

contrary to the popular statement that science lacks soul…. this science of heart and lung transplantation is immaculately intertwined with the good will of humanity and the core drive line lies on the nobility of the donor’s family decision.
When a son is declared brain dead… the mother’s decision to donate her son’s organs because he had wished so earlier when he was alive… is an act of extreme valour and a supreme display of altruism…
His liver, both lungs , both kidneys, heart were transplanted…

Tamil nadu as a state is a pioneer in organ transplantation, and has recieved a award from the central government for generating maximum number of donors. We ( tamil nadu ) are the recipent of that award for four consecutive years….

The tamil nadu government in return .. had honoured the donor families recently ,the health minister was not at all formal in the meet, he refused the honours conferred on him saying the limelight should only be the donors… i m personally not a fan of politicians or govt ministers … but on that day .. i was pleasantly surprised, he was in no hurry and was whole heartedly interacting with donor families.,
His genuine behaviour , i presume , is to ensure that the NOBILITY of ORGAN DONATION, under no circumstances should be affected by any misconstrued ill spread rumours/concepts.

Wasim.. a patient with failing lungs, was waiting in India for almost a year…. the pain of the disease must be far limiting than the despair that one develops that there might not be a salvation.. just when he was losin hope , an act of nobility rescued him, got his double lung transplantion, went back to his country.. the warm reception on his arrival( gun salute included?) at his country was overwhelming and to see that.,, rejuvenates our team.. to move ahead., to discredit skepticism surrounding organ transplant..

NO FINESSE JUST FIREWORKS ..

Not new to shame and humiliation, i ve grown insensitive to all incidents that contributed to such feel. I ve always moved over such feel in the greatest haste. But inside i know i yearn to have a moment that will collectively stab a million knife and will make me bleed. This desire is only to evoke a response of a relieving cry of my tired soul… A cry that will liberate me , a certain grief that can wreck me down and kneel me to such a cry , can only come from my father’s demise ( he ain’t dead yet ) ..jus writing about him makes me feel tender.

A teacher he was, fervent catholic, very god fearing and more fearing to people who serve god ( priest n nuns) and even more fearing to MIRIAM THERESE.

Miriam therese was our school headmistress( sacred hearts), absolutely strong headed and strict law enforcer. She was a rebel of sorts, encouraging a healthy growing ambience for boys and girls to grow up together. She also was so against physical abuse of students. All this was revolutionary , very progressive n futuristic administration at a very constipated time zone ( 1990’s) .

Almost everyone revered her, i was not one of them.. i did not see what they saw.. there were lot of moments when i was reprimanded and had to face her wrath,humiliating me n my father together had become her favourite down time..
what is this man doing at my office door she would sarcastically ask , he has been apologetic for his son’s behaviour would be someones answer… i still can’t figure out my worthy crime .. she hated me , my dad’s submissiveness was only adding fuel to it ..

I hated her more with each growing year, me getting more stubborn and unapologetic of whatever crimes i was accused of … one particular morning following our school assembly , as a prelude to the school elections she was asking our opinion. I blurted out something stupid .. that was enough for her to lose her cool..all classes were suspended till i apologise , obviously i did not ..was just chattin with friends .. realising that her strategy did not work , she resumed classes for all .. except me . .. no teacher came n spoke to me .. i decided to just stand in front of her office.. at every chance of me seein her, i would give a long dull face, and she would see me as a disgusting trash. I was not hurt at all , students junior to me giving me indifferent stares, most teachers scolding me for being arrogant, some advicing me to let go and apologise… nothing moved me .. until the next day morning , i see my dad in front of her office .. i briefed him, he went inside her office… a few min laters she comes blasting out of her office , sees me right outside, she stops and suddenly gives me this smile that i can never erase out of my memory.. deeply sadistic topped with sarcasm it was, then she yells to the attendant.. velu , open the door nicely , let him see his father kneel n apologise to me… she walks back to her room, velu opens the door widely .. she asks my dad .. yeah kneel again, let him see and learn….

And i saw what she said…..
Not in a million years I CAN UNSEE WHAT I SAW….

All my catholic upbringing could not heal me … the wrath just kept flaring up… years rolled by , news came in that she retired, dad n mom kept asking me to meet her , they were in regular communication.. i could not forgive her..
Even when i heard that she had a intracranial bleed, i could not gather strength to meet her. Few more years passed, i was working as assistant prof , dept of ctvs in mmc, rgggh, was planning for lunch with my balya snehidan baalu,and at the same moment a confrontation i dared never to dream happened, sr sarguna ( current sacred heart’s principal) had got miriam therese to come and see a patient and also me .. i had nowhere to hide.. expected an embarassing meet…
But , the moment she saw me , she stepped forward with an immaculately divine healing smile and gave me that MAGICAL HUG… that embrace i could not unlock for a while.. i just melted away.. what was i hatin her for…
Saethula vizhundhu azhuka irundha yen manasa, pothukitu peyara mazhaya vandhu karachitaanga..
Kanna thiraka mudiyama , joara peyara mazhaila, andha sathathila karayara feel..
kadavul kuzhandaya pirandhu varar nu padichu irukaen, anniku feel panen andha hug la … she came as my goddess in child form to salvage me , from my own self ..
A life time of sins washed away with one hug..

Retrospectively thinking.. inspite of a conservative and constipated cultural ambience…. there were hugs that mattered to me..

I am 39 yrs old , the one n only time my father hugged me , was on seeing my name on st johns mbbs admission list, it still ranks number one on my hug list… A hug that revealed his love and pride for me. , his sense of relief., the hug that made me carry their dream forward. This hug dawned the spurt of eden in an otherwise perennial dessert.

The hugs from my paternal aunt and my maternal grandmom.. unparalled love it shows.
The hugs from my son n daughter are similarly soul refreshing .
Nadu rathirila, bad dreams varum boadhu , invariably i seek out to her., appo takkunu kaikulayum nenjukulayum vandhu sikkuva… kavidhaigal koadi, nenjukula paayara feel, nimandhi niranju thookathayum avalayum thazhuvara feel…. heavenly..

ENROUTE TO BEING KING OF SUBCLAVIAN…..

M.S general surgery , initial days of residency in st john’s was like a leap into the void, a million adrenaline moments ., of them one of the easiest and gratifying way was to gain a subclavian venous access..
The surge of dark venous blood into the syringe when the needle hits the subclavian vein is chillingly exciting..

LESSON ONE..

My first subclavian access was to a patient in septic shock secondary to necrotising pancreatitis. He had a cardiac arrest and was being resuscitated by a team of surgical residents. I was asked to do a subclavian access, half hearted i started doing it with only theoretical knowledge to back me up and also with a a trivial experience of internal jugular venous access… i could not hit the vein, after few attempts i started panicking inside , blurry eyed i turned to the senior resident to salvage … he just backed off , this guy was an academic topper, favourite of all, the nice guy kind of stuff,, just asked me to keep trying … i did not know why…. after failed attempts of resuscitation the patient was declared dead . During the audit meeting of the mortality, there was a review of the chest xray with evidence of pneumothorax on the side of subclavian trial.i realised it immediately when the slide was put up, there was an intense pang of guilt, an eerie silence , broken off by the senior resident’s voice .. sir, we had a pneumothorax possibly because of the central venous access try… the head of surgery bounced back with a question.. who did that , and he promptly pointed me…. chief gave me a good stare ,and asked me … is this your first time???
With guilty and incompetency i answered .. yes sir… i expected a blast to follow … instead he said … its ok ,don’t let this happen again….
BEHOLD…. his words turned true.. , i have completed more than five hundred subclavian’s … in not one i have hit the pleura again..
also i realised why the senior resident backed off, the boat was sinking and me with it, he just wanted his hands dry and clean.
He can become a nobel laureate in future, but will never win up my respect…

I also remember the remainder of the words my chief said on that audit… the pneumothorax did not kill the patient … he did not have to say it , yet he did..

Till date , i see great surgeons , they are so coz they are iron clad and take the heat on themselves and will go all out defending their kith and kin..

LESSON TWO

I mastered it too well to be crowned as the king of subclavian, i was getting cocky.. always hittin the subclavian at first shot, be it a pickwian syndrome patient or cystic fibrosis patient in an upright position…

A senior internal medicine faculty asked to help him after his two failed attempts, change of hands after failed attempts is a medical dictum and recommendation , though i agreed i was mocking him inside .
One, two , three….. i failed too much to remember the count …. how can i not hit it, i told him that it could be an anatomical anomaly ., the chest xray was clear, i had not complicated it . Told him will take a break n try again, he asked me if he could try again.. i gave a nod and went for coffee n when i was back , to my dismay he had tried and got it in a clean shot ..

Puppy shame moment .. i realised being supremely confident is okay , getting cockey ain’t…

LESSON THREE

WORSE THAN BEING AN A$$HOLE is BEING AN ACCOMPLICE TO AN ASSHOLE

My immediate senior gen surg pg ( 2 nd year) was such a cool dude ( dr arun) by name , always guiding me what to do … during night emergency calls, he always keeps whispering in my ears… dude , admit this patient , he needs surgery,screw the advance part, just write five hundred or so , will finish the surgery and will handle.. i had always followed it … this way on our night calls we had three or four emergency laparotomies on always ..
Sleepless nights and yet gratifyin feel the next day on rounds ,,but the hospital was feeling the financial crunches, bills were always way too reasonable , yet when they could not afford, the bills had to be waived. Since we were responsible for admitting a lot of emergencies, we were advised to be a little guarded on the economic part .
But we all were on a merry run, kept admitting , kept operating … and on one extremely busy day that got busier by the night we got fatigued out, loads of emergency surgeries … all neatly done and we were taking a walk to the canteen by early dawn to have a coffee via the emergency room…as a habit i enquired the E R med officer if there were surgical references, a no from him cooled my mind.. thank god the busy day n night is done and in two hours will hand over the pager to the next surgical team’s junior post graduate..
As we were stepping out, an auto screeched at the E R door, a young male steps out , appearing distressed , he carries in his arms, an elderly lady fragile weak and in pain. I knew it was a surgical pathology, arun holds my hand and as always whispers …. dude , i think she is our’s, evaluate and push her to theatre asap.. will have a coffee n join u..

i drudged back in, the clinical diagnosis was obvious , frank peritonitis secondary to hollow viscus perforation, she needs emergency surgery, i did the maths in my mind.. another four to six hours gone in theatre, i already had an hectic twenty four sleepless hours and i have a huge day to roll out yet ,lots to be done… damn.. why do they have to come now..
Tiringly i wrote out my admission slip, at advance to be paid i wrote five hundred, they were gonna be admitted… and just then a final year post grad from my team walks by, a₹₹hole in certain perspectives, he enquires about the admission, scolds me for just writin five hundred, goes out and explains to the son, that more money will be involved coz of the complexity of the surgery, and says atleast five thousand has to be deposited as advance , when an E R Medico questioned if this was necessary he just simply put him down , askin if he would pledge his salary if they do not pay after surgery.
The son did not have that money , it was getting obvious that they will be referred out coz of financial constraints , he pulls me aside winks and says … now come lets go have some coffee…
I was feeling relieved , i can sleep for an hour atleast, met arun at canteen and the senior boasts how he managed the patient. , i could see that arun was dissapointed, he whispered again.. dude u should have just admitted her, now if she dies … it is on u….

And as we walked back to E R, the lady was referred out in an ambulance , the cries of the son still haunts me … oru 5000 roova sambadhika thuppu illama yen ammava pali kuduthruvaen poala irukae nu…. accomplice to an a₹$hole is worse than just being an asshole.

I travel forth, the gratitude of the other good deeds wiping away the guilt…

SCHOOL ZONE

Nerd bashing is easy, but it is no mean job to be an academic topper , my school batch mates had loads of people who excelled in academics …few were really good at it, smart too and also had a complete personality around their academic core… today they stand tall…

I always consider that sacred hearts always had a better upbringing at that time zone ,so all sacred hearties are kinda talented n smart enough to shine n glitter in whatsover universe they are planted in…

Before mentionin about some academic toppers… i thought i ll get few of my school mates opinion also…. so i spoke to them…. yen paer yaenda vituta , naanum eight varaikum top pannitu thaan irundhaen, unga kooda saerndhu thaan kettu poitaen nu serious ah sonnadhu thambi studio satish… poada dei nu sirichitu vachitaen..

Konjam nidhanama yoasicha correct ah thaan irukumo nu thoanudhu …
Twelve std open house la , class teacher started complainin about me to my dad…..that i am spoilin others nu .. yaaru nu kaeta, oru friend oada amma appo thaan suda suda sollitu poirukaanga , naa thaan avana daily after school hours football vilayada compel panraenam, inaiku varaikum appidi sollitu avan yenna pannan nu god only knows?

Yettu subject la yaezhu la fail aana oru friend , yen kooda paesaratha niruthitu nalla pasanga kooda saerndhu yella subject um pass panna … appo konjam ketta payyan thaano naaa.. Yay super nu semma sandoasham thaan appo…

Fourth std la irundhu nineth varaikum thick friends, illa machi unkooda saera koodadhunu amma sollitanga nu two years ah pesama irundha KVG.. light ah thaan valichidhu… college days la thirumbha snegika arambichitaan..

Innoru nalla namban, veetuku laam vara vaendam nu sollitan, st john’s la house surgeon ah irukum boadhu, he surprised me with a visit, oru maasama unna meet panna try pannitu irundhaen nu sonnan…

Three sections in each class, not much of swappin happened, so therez a good possibility that i could be completely unaware of other section’s brilliant academic toppers.. the converge of students happened only at class eleven..

V.balaji.., V.sheela…,V.abirami .. (siblings ah nu kudharkama kaeka koodadhu ) these three would constantly occupy the top three ranks until seventh standard..
Balaji n sheela went on to become the school pupil leaders… headboy n headgirl.. a josephite n marian… abirami is also gifted with a vocal that most of us are fans of… another florian girl peaked late n her academics , has a similar vocals and is enthrallin netizens currently…guess who?

On a different league were….. S .NAGASAI and R.MADHUSUDHANAN.. their display of character around academics will stand long in our memories… absolutely focussed and driven by ambition, their far sightedness can’t be rivalled.. both are currently medical practioners.

A special mention would be NARAYANAN, the only guy who would not palpitate when our english teacher would call our marks out.. he topped it constantly.. we would frantically check his answer sheets to see if it was any different.. i guess the teacher just had a crush on him.. just kidding nari.. he currently resides in USA, heading the division of anthroplogic linguistics and also as a counsellor for accent accentuation to TRUMP,, kiddin again nari… ??

Another genius intoto is PRAKASH RAJA…. little headstrong and brutally honest , he sure is know all guy… a mind that can absorb academics easily, in a similar genre is KV GANESH NARAYANAN..he sure is like the lead character in THE BEAUTIFUL MIND.

LAVANYA…. i guess she cracked herself into BITS, pilani, even if i know that wrong , i would be dead right in sayin she belongs in the league of academic toppers.

On a late note , with absolutely enchanting attitude towards life and acing academics with ease.. if we all
Are stars, she shines like the RED GIANT…
Took me a while to figure her attitude out,
She is a cardiologist in usa., getting to do residency in cardio in western world is extremely tough.. i guess she let her result speak to us…

Though they left us early, two very honourable mentions … L GAYATHRI , graduated from tanjore medical college… absolute go getter and an extremely multitalented person..,the other person was pramila… good in studies , disappeared beyond seventh i guess… dreams crushed or dreamz re implanted ? Who knows?

CHITHRA, unaku heavy recommendation , to add your name on the elite category…. rendu moonu paer solitanga ,.. kvg um sonna correct ah thaanae irukum? i honestly am unaware of her academic shrewdness, but from whatever brief interactions we had in the recent past, i can’t disagree either… she gotta be good..

This was in school, more school mates have peaked at their own pace and almost all are doing good , in their own perspectives..

BEAUTIFUL CONVERSATIONS…

The perils of the world is sickening to deal with, weaving a narcissistic shield around ourselves seems to be the only way.. but acts of random kindness, hugs, kisses, smiles , certain conversations always seems to tear that shield n touches us in our deepest pleasure sensitive zones.

My Kids (twin children, boy n girl )have completed their sixth grade, we were summoned for the parent teacher meet, though i was thankin the court of law guidance for the no fail/ detention policy… i was a little apprehensive, apparently there has been a reversal in the policy.. but i just had to man the fuck up n face the drama.. as expected, the teacher informed that they have been promoted to seventh grade, with a recommendation that i need to take extra care in future to augment their academics.., and this they wanted me to give it in writing to the principal… i am a victim of school dramas, so this did not flinch me a bit, and i refused, before the class teacher could get persuasive, i vented out my anger about the system, i was offensive, did not feel bad though, my kids started giggling , probably they did not expect me to back them up, but i know and i decided even before they were born, that i will not kill their childhood with the sheer burden of academics, instead will get them a good schooling experience.. they could not let us go unscathed, teacher hesistantly said that my daughter had some bad company and if i was aware of an incident.. i was obviously clueless, but the class teacher would not say what it was.. the more i wanted to know the more she became constipated, she just kept mumbling … go ask the english teacher… i did not wanna do that … instead i thought i ll just ask my kids straight away…

So got them out of the school, got them snacks , and gently chided them to disclose.. the best parental trick of… dont be afraid , say anything u want and just when they disclose we get mad… works all the time, she confessed that she told her friends that she had a crush on a boy at fourth standard… a boy overheard that and went n complained to the english teacher, for a moment i was zapped , then laughed it out..

In a gesture of reassurin my girl, i scolded ( gently) my son for not punching the boy in face ,,
And i also told her that this world is filled with retards (boys ) like that, she gotta learn to not just to neglect them , also to tackle them as n when required…
i did more n more to make sure that my baby girl was gonna feel alright ,, but the more i did … she started sobbing and went on to an incessant cry.. in all her eleven years of life , i had not seen her cry like that,.. in between her sobs she kept murmuring that she really did not have a crush , but for the sake of the conversation, she had just blurted out a name… ,she kept apologising over n over, my son was speechless,, she probably was so stoked with guilt…. this was a whirlwind of emotions for me…i kept saying its ok baby and lot of other stuff …

I almost had to kneel to get to her level , looked her in the eyes and said …. idhellam onnumae illada, even i had a crush at sixth grade…
this had the desired effect ., to hear this coming from their dad.. they soon started blushing n giggling , smiles erupting to laughters…

And then for the rest of the ride .. it became an immaculate world of beautiful conversation…
I have told my story to many .. but unravelling it to my kids … unbelievable experience.. it was beautiful reliving my crush memories….

Coming up Next …………………………
DARYL.. AAVI… ABARNA (Friends for life)
The Discovery of Katha Muthu, EZHILAN